Go Go (see) Power Rangers

The Power Rangers movie is basically The Breakfast Club, but it kind of works.

 

Power Rangers began as it ended, with the feeling that something masturbatory had just happened. I liked it, but right off the bat I want to say this isn’t, and shouldn’t have been, a good movie. It would be impossible to make a Power Rangers movie that was good and true to its inherently “bad” origins, because so much of what was bad about the TV show made it charming. It’s a bad movie and a hell of a lot of fun. I definitely recommend paying to see this to show movie companies that this is how you make an 80s cartoon movie.

 

If you liked the old show, goofy-ness and all, and/or liked The Breakfast Club, then you are good to go.

 

Plot:

 

Five misfit teenagers find magic coins, a spaceship, and a robot that says they are the power rangers and must protect the magic life giving crystal in the planet. Rita Repulsa is the bad guy, she controls gold, and she starts off a little freakier than a ‘kids’ movie probably should include. There was a child in the front of the theatre who was loudly exclaiming things as they happened: “Power Wangers!” and “It’s a Spaceship!?” It was adorable, but he shut up after she ripped out a hobo’s gold teeth (yes teeth). Something something power of friendship, something something dino robots, something something gold.

 

Power Rangers

Something Something Gold

 

That’s your movie. The rest is basically The Breakfast Club, which I guess the director was a huge fan of. To be fair, a lot of people are, myself included.

 

Cast:

 

Power Rangers

“5 teenagers, 5 different coloured coins, 5 different coloured teenagers.” – actual line in the movie

 

Jock Man Red Ranger: the leader of the bunch (which I just now realised is a banana pun, damn). He is a high school star football player who breaks/hurts his knee in a car accident escaping the police after sneaking a cow into a locker room that his friend jacked off. That’s a spoiler for the first 5 minutes of the movie by the way, and they are super explicit that he jacked off a cow – it’s the first or second line in the whole damn movie. He is also the white guy, cause while they could mess with the other characters the leader had to be an all-American white boy.

 

Autistic Blue Ranger: The black guy, also the brains of the bunch, also autistic which takes form exclusively as him not getting certain jokes or subtext. He is an extremely high functioning autistic, and if portrayal of autism was for some reason a draw for you then you should just go watch The Accountant. He also really likes explosives, and has access to uncomfortable amounts of them. He also is the one who find the coins originally by blowing up a rock wall while standing 2 meters from it. He is a bit of an idiot. I don’t even mean that in a derogatory way, the dude just isn’t that bright and it doesn’t have anything to do with his awareness/condition.

 

Pink Ranger: Cheerleader type, likes to cliff dive in her spare time, black hair not blond… that’s all I got really. I think she is pretty.

 

Non-asian Yellow Ranger: She is Latina, I feel like if they had race swapped Red Ranger people would have been upset, but swapping an already ethnic character is apparently okay. Also, she is heavily implied to be gay, so that’s a thing. Oh and she is aggressively anti-social, and not in a “I’m awkward” kind of way. More of a “fuck off all you people trying to be my friend” sort of way. She also likes doing yoga on mountain tops while listening to hardcore music.

 

Asian Black Ranger: Another race swap no one minded. He is a troubled youth, who loves his mother, skips school all the time, and is impulsive as fuck. He steals a Zord the first chance he gets, and is just generally crazy.

 

Zordon: Giant head in a wall, ex red ranger, now just generally is disappointed dad figure to misfit gang of troubled teens. Could he have his own motivations? He does, but he drops them real quick in a really fucked up sequence.

 

Alpha: Heh, funny robot.

 

Rita Repulsa: Ex green ranger, instead wants to take life crystal to rule the galaxy (somehow), semi killed (mummified, technically) previously then came back. She can control gold for reasons that are entirely unexplained (the other rangers don’t have powers). She may also be a witch. Diversity hire, maybe?

 

Zords: Giant. Dinosaur. Mechs.

 

Power Rangers

This CGI’d to awesomeness, Go Go Power Rangers!

 

Basically I think it’s a great movie, a ton of fun. My only real complaint is that they didn’t do some of the green screen sequences well, as in the actors were kind of shit at pretending they knew what was happening to them, sometimes. Overall it’s worth a watch, but oh God do I have so much to rant about. Oh and a bonus for fans; the original Red and Pink Rangers are in the crowd at one point, and there is an after credits scene.

 

If you would like to see the long, spoiler filled, rant about how the power rangers are secretly angels (amongst other glaring problems/plot holes) then you can read it here.

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