What Are Your Trump Predictions for 2018?

Donald Trump is unhinged, to say the least. With that in mind, here are some predictions for what could be in store for the President and his family in 2018.

Mass-tweeting and binge-eating his retirement days away in the Oval Office (or the golf course), it’s clear from his increasingly irate outbursts that Trump is not the most stable character. Fantastic for a television show about sycophantic parasites; not so ideal for someone with access to the nuclear codes. As scary a proposition as that is, (I’ve personally put it on the same level of terror as one of those Yellowstone eruptions that we’ve been due for centuries), the year and a bit of a Trump presidency has led to some truly insane situations.

We’ve had the comeback of the white supremacists, the beginnings of what some have called “Stupid-Watergate” and the president contradicting and criticising himself on so many occasions that it almost isn’t worth pointing out anymore. In amongst the obvious flaws in the Trump plan, there has been a small stock market boom and low unemployment – so business is going well. Others have pointed out that this growth has been continuing at the same pace since the Obama Administration, so Trump can’t take the full credit. But we all know that he has, and will continue to do so, until there is a period of negative growth (at which point somebody else – most likely Hilary Clinton – will be blamed).

In this new world order, where things like the truth cease to be important, it’s anybody’s guess what 2018 will hold. But, because it’s the weird time between Christmas and New Year where nobody really has a clue what’s going on, now seems a better time than ever to have a go at making some #TrumpPredictions.

1. Comparisons to Obama cause Trump to repeal the 22nd

You can see it unfolding now. One too many pundits sings the old refrain “If only Obama had been allowed to run a third term”; this phrase, tinged in liberal longing will eventually get to Donald Trump. “I would have beaten him too…” he’ll stew, brooding over the thought that a poor, black person could ever be better than him at anything. “I’ve got it!” he’ll say; and having developed such a sycophantic, cult-like following on Fox and in some of the more deprived parts of America, he knows his stooges will follow.

“REPEAL!” they’ll all scream, crammed into random barns because Donald never really left campaigning mode. And eventually, his spineless senators and congress will slip it through. There will be WWE-style advertising. There will be a pointless debate where Obama uses the term “Fuckwomble”. There will very likely be the beginnings of a race war – at least in the minds of some of the more passionate Trumpettes – which might lead to another dozen or so reasons as to why Americans should reconsider their relationship with guns.

And Obama would probably win. Which would be hilarious.

2. The NRA will successfully lobby for personal drones with guns on them to be legal

“Think about it Mr. President” the slimy NRA lobbyist will whisper into our old tangerine’s ears. “We can call it Drone Force One – and you’d be the first one to fly one legally after the bill is signed into a law.”

Donald Trump, having the mental age of a 15-year old who’s taken one too many head knocks, would indeed think this was cool. And a great idea.

“Maybe I could shoot an Obama target” he’ll mumble, glint appearing in his eye.

“Yes my sweet – of course” the lobbyist smiles as she slithers away, excited that she has a tonne of weaponry at home and is therefore prepared for the upcoming Mad Max style future.

3. Snoop Dogg and Trump will share a blunt, and he’ll become less of a douche for about an hour

You know that bit in Ali G in da House, where Ali G spikes the entire United Nations with weed food, and they achieve world peace? This would be kind of like that, except we’ll only have an hour of good stuff. It will be like that TV trope where the boss comes back from holiday and you can ask them for one thing and you’ll get it; but we have to choose wisely because this only comes around every so often. Who knows, Snoop might try to get the US back on board with the Paris agreement?

4. No one in the Trump family will be arrested for anything treasonous. Trump Jr. will be arrested for indecent exposure.

Let’s be honest. Donald is as shady as New York in the late afternoon. There’s obviously some illegal shit going on, and considering Watergate took over two years to wrap up, I wouldn’t be surprised if the FBI were going to go into 2019 without any major arrests. The horrible effort of “building a case” is really throttling my justice boner, but I take pleasure in knowing that when it comes, it’s likely that the Trumps will have a rather long rap sheet.

However, I do think this pressure will get to them – especially young Donald Jr. Blessed with all the charm of a late-night Patrick Bateman and the demeanour of a slow Patrick Bateman, there’s no doubt the thought of spending any time in prison will start to get to him. Within the first seven months of the year, I predict he’ll be doing an Invisible Children, jacking-it all over the States in what his lawyers will later try to claim was a “unique, live and immersive travelling theatre expense, to show that the President takes America’s cultural and artistic heritage seriously”.

He will get off (wehey) with a fine.

5. The border wall will continue to not exist

Whilst it certainly isn’t my place to decide what a good policy decision is, I still can’t help but think Trump’s most known campaign pledge being taken from season 4 of Arrested Development is a bit much. Sure, his nepotistic, corrupt and crony-led administration is absurdly being spun into him exposing how easy nepotism, cronyism and corruption is at the top level of American politics, but that’s just a continuation of the politics of misdirection that has been a mainstay of our discourse in the last few years. This border wall idea, however, is just plain batshit.

Most people who are in charge know this. The wall itself would be incredibly expensive, it can’t physically span the whole border because of the terrain, and most importantly, all a ten foot tall wall would really do is increase demand for ten foot tall ladders. The wall as an idea – the idea that people aren’t welcome – is pretty much doing as good a job at limiting numbers into America as an actual wall would do, and that’s enough for now. Because, let’s be honest – no Trump supporter is going to hold him to any reasonable standard.

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3 Comments on “What Are Your Trump Predictions for 2018?

  1. Harry | As the saying goes, you’re entitled to your own opinions, but not your own facts. Your opening paragraph is almost hallucinatory in its presentation–if you wish to be taken seriously, stop parroting Hannity and Limbaugh and follow some real analysis.

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